Learning How to Love: Chapter 1



April 1, 2020

When I was 17 years old, I asked my Dad about infidelity in romantic relationships. He was good at that. He told me, “You’re a Hernandez, baby, it’s in your blood.” His Dad was also really good at cheating on his Mom.

That moment absolved me of every kiss I’d ever snuck and every one-night stand I shouldn’t have had. Were we not worthy of a full and flourishing love? Was the Hernandez legacy doomed for addiction and unhealthy romantic relationships? I had to find this out for myself. Was love truly blind and only meant for procreation, or was love more complex than I knew?

By that age, I had already lost my virginity, been cheated on, been the cheater, had an abortion, kissed straight and gay boys and girls. I had already seen my fair share of unhealthy relationships, stalkers, creeps, fuckboys, and “nice guys.” I asked my Dad that question for a glimmer of hope. I’d been desperately searching for “true love,” and came out empty-handed after every endeavor.

Two years later I asked my Dad’s youngest brother about true love. He’s a man who loves men. Many, many men. After a couple beers and a joint we smoked, he said, “I believe the Universe gives you multiple true loves throughout your lifetime. You can love…over and over again. There will be good relationships and bad relationships, and you can love them all and they could have all been ‘true’ at one point.” Maybe my Dad also felt he had many true loves and that’s why he cheated…on every woman he’s ever loved.

August 17, 2012

“What do you think we’ll do after you move back to LA?”

“Well, hopefully, we will still be together.”

“We aren’t together now. But this is fun….and exciting.” I wrap my arms around his chest from behind and rest my chin on his shoulder. “I’ll be so sad when you leave.”

He kisses my arms and lets out a heavy sigh. “Me, too. I’ll visit as much as I can. We could talk on the phone and Skype.”

“Yeah, I don’t want to cramp your style when you move back to LA. You’ll have a new life, new responsibilities, a new job. I don’t want to distract you.”

“You will never be a distraction. If anything, you make my life so much better. I love you.”

“And I love you.”

We kiss and hold each other. I’ve only got 24 more hours of this and I want to soak up as much of it as possible. I haven’t told Mr. Money this yet, but I’m not planning on keeping in touch much after he moves away.

July 13, 2013

I saw a quote on Tumblr that read, “Some people are meant to fall in love, but not meant to be together.” I keep thinking about how troubled our relationship has been since the beginning. All these obstacles we’ve faced and overcome has been enlightening and inspirational. We got each other out of our bad habits and have grown with one another.

I think that’s why I feel bad about cheating on Mr. Money with Mr. Mariposa. We’ve made such huge impacts on each others’ lives and I feel terrible about breaking this bond. But he knows I don’t keep commitments like that. He knew that before he asked me to be his girlfriend. I told him again the first time we broke up. And then told him that again the second time we broke up. I was not ready for a full-on-relationship, but he always insisted on being together. I don’t regret kissing Mr. Mariposa. I regret giving Mr. Money another chance against my better judgment.

It was only a kiss. But it was a beautiful, drunken passionate kiss that I initiated. I felt like I had disconnected from reality and gave into my deepest desires. I told him things my sober self would never say. I might have pinched his nips, too. Okay, it was not just a kiss. It was a sexy-ass romantic lip locker with ass grabbin’ and groping of all sorts. It was fucking great. 

I have to make things right with Mr. Money, though. I feel like I need to be in an open-relationship if this long-distance thing is going to work. I care so much about Mr. Money. I value and want him in my life, but I need my freedom and I come first in my life. Whether he accepts it or not, is not my problem.

I’m not breaking up with Mr. Money to be with Mr. Mariposa. The truth is that Mr. Money is the settling down type, and I just want to fuck around. I’m not ready to settle down and I feel like there are so many connections I want to explore.

Chapter Two goes live on Friday, 4/3 @ 8 PM.

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